Tien Len Rulez

Brought to Fayetteville, AR by Daniel Otto who picked it up at Arkansas Governor's school in 2000, Tien Len is a popular Vietnamese card game that has a specific set of rules. These are not those rules. Or maybe they are; who knows really? Presented here is a likely bastardized version, as the original rules are surely hopelessly lost to the sands of time. Notwithstanding having been played in Fayetteville for more than a decade, a special set of rules has developed that is the fuel for many rambunctious nights with friends and can be enjoyed by an unlimited number of people. (I remember a particularly ridiculous game that was played with ~50 people)

Tien Len uses a standard 52-card playing deck without jokers, and it's a shedding game, of which the object is to get rid of all your cards first. You do this by placing a higher value card(s) on top of your opponent’s cards. Play as many games as your personal constitution and liver allows.

Setup

Original gangster format is 1 deck with 4 players starting with 13 cards each. More or fewer players should use 1 deck for every 4 players. 5-8 players would use 2 decks, 9-12 players would use 3 decks, and so on. You'll have to divide and discard the remainder to make each hand the same count. It is recommended that when using multiple decks that each deck be identical as to not identify individual cards, unless you’re a poor bastard and have mismatched decks.

In Tien Len, cheating is ~~encouraged~~ acceptable and it is the player’s responsibility to protect themselves from cheating by others.

Pulling Rank

The ranking of the cards is fucked because 2’s are the highest card in the game, surpassing Aces (higher than Kings) and 3 is the lowest card.

2 (strongest)
A
K
Q
J
10
9
8 (at least this makes sense)
7
6
5
4
3 (weakest)

Suits also have a rank order, which are like rank decimals (s/decimals/base4):

♥️ hearts (strongest)
♦️ diamonds
♣️ clubs
♠️ spades (weakest)

In case you’re an idiot, the 3 of spades is the lowest card in the game and the 2 of hearts is the highest.

The player with the lowest card dealt plays first and therefore if more than one deck is used, remove duplicate low threes. I don’t know the specifics just figure it out so that only one person can get the 3 of spades.

Because you weren't paying attention, let's cover it again: each person is dealt about 13 cards and the first one to play all their cards wins.

Gameplay

The dealer should sufficiently shuffle the cards (obviously) and deal 13 cards to each player. Any remaining cards should be set aside. The player who has the lowest card plays first.

That first player must play the lowest card as part of their opening hand. A play can consist of single cards, straights, pairs, triples, quadruples, quintuples, sextuples, etc. Anyway, just play the lowest card as either a single, in a straight of at least 3 cards in a row, or part of a double, triple, quadruple... I think you get it.

Aces are always higher than Kings, and 2’s are higher than Aces, and to make this bullshit more complicated, 2’s can’t be used in straights. So the highest straight possible ends in the Ace of Hearts (and is actually unbeatable).

Once a play has been made, whatever was played sets the round. So if a double was played, only higher value doubles can beat the play. If a straight of 5 cards is played, only a higher 5 card straight with the highest card in that higher straight being higher than the highest card in the previously played straight, simple. Let’s say a 4,5,6 is played, which can be beat by any 3 card straight ending in a card higher than 6, but if it does end in a 6 it comes down to suits. A 6 of diamonds would beat a 6 of spades. (See above).

A player can choose to play or not, and if not they will “knock” by knocking their hand on the table, saying, “knock,” or screaming, “GOD FUCKING DAMNIT.” Just because a player CAN beat a particular play, doesn’t mean they MUST. (This is called strategery). Once all other players at a table knock, the player that put down the previously high hand wins the round. At which point that player gets to play any single, duplicates, straights, or bombs (I know, we haven’t talked about those yet). The game continues in this fashion until a player is no longer holding any cards, at which point they are crowned the winner. Rinse and repeat.

Special Rules

2’s are the highest cards in the game, trump cards. However there are two types of plays that can beat them into submission. These are called bombs and are usually played while simultaneously making some stupid sound effect.

Bombs are either 4 of a kind or more (when playing with multiple decks), or a straight of pairs (5,5,6,6,7,7 or J,J,Q,Q,K,K).

A single 2 is beaten by a 4 of a kind, or a paired straight of 3 consecutive cards.

A pair of 2’s is beaten by a 5 of a kind (multiple decks), or a paired straight of 4 consecutive cards. Three 2’s are beaten by 6 of a kind, or a paired straight of 5 consecutive cards, and so on.

Bombs can be played as an opening play. Bombs can be beaten by a higher bomb of that same bomb type, even if the bomb was used to beat a 2(‘s).

2’s cannot be used as part of a straight.

Straights do not wrap around from Ace back to 3. e.g. K,A,2,3 is not allowed because 2's cannot be used in straights. Moreover, furthermore, similarly, neither K,A,3 nor K,A,3,4 are intelligible, so don't try.

New Orleans Adaptation

After being introduced to New Orleans, Louisiana the alcoholics there have, of course, adapted this to a drinking game.

When playing with 2 players, an object, usually a shot glass, is placed in between the two players at the side of the table. When a player wins, the shot glass moves one step towards the losing player. If the shot glass moves an additional step towards the same losing player, that loser must take a shot. This amounts to 5 "stations" on the table where if the shot glass reaches the closest station to you, because you’re a fucking loser, you must take a shot.

When playing with more than 2 players, it must be determined who is the ultimate loser. Once the winning player discards or plays their final card to win, a new round begins with the next player clockwise to the winner. Even if this means that the next player can simply play all the cards in their hand with a legitimate play. This process continues until the ultimate loser is found. If the same player loses twice in a row, they must take a shot.

If a player is caught cheating, that player has to take a shot.

Typically most New Orleanians will take a "courtesy shot" anytime someone else takes a shot, because they don’t want to miss out on the fun.

🐲 Dragons

Every once in a blue moon, actually much less often, something extraordinary happens. What do you think the odds are of getting a 13 card straight? The answer is literally incalculable™ so don't even try. 🤓 It's literally impossible™ because 2's are not allowed in straights.

However, on one fateful evening 2020-08-23T12:53:16-05:00 the acclaimed Dick Everhard ascended to such an occasion with the 3 of spades no less!

Just to recap, he started the game with the 3 of Spades in a 12 card straight with Ace of Diamonds high. That means the only thing that could have possibly beat it was another 12 card straight with the Ace of Hearts. At this point, statistically this feels more possible than normal - I mean given the odds that one person has a massive straight on, that eliminates a corresponding pattern of remaining cards, seemingly increasing the chances of others also having raging straights. And in fact anecdotal evidence supports this as well known liars report having almost had the ability to defeat this with nearly equally engorged straights. These meaningful correlations in random data are reminiscent of a global consciousness. However, we'll never know because at the time Mr. Lahey was drunk and asleep at the wheel and unable to perform any meaningful action aside from wait out the 42-second auto-knock period.

Strategy Guide

After receiving your 13 cards, most players arrange the cards from lowest to highest. This will allow you to see if you have duplicates, straights, etc.

Typically you will want to try to get rid of the lowest cards in your hand first, so you’re not stuck with them at the end of the game.

It’s usually to your advantage that any stand-alone single cards should be discarded as soon as possible.

Keep higher value cards in your hand to win rounds. Remember which cards have been played previously and you can usually determine when you possess the highest card or play in the game.

Just because you can play, doesn’t mean you should. Try to think about how you might be able to save certain plays for later in the game to win rounds.

Plan out what will be your final cards to play in order to win the game.

Often your initial strategy will go out the window after the game starts so be adaptable.

If you notice other player(s) have a single card, try to play doubles, straights, etc, because they obviously can’t play.

If it comes down to your final cards against some else’s, it is usually to your advantage to play your highest card first and work your way down.

Sometimes you can get dealt a pile of crap and there’s very little chance of winning. Conversely if you are dealt an awesome hand, say with all four 2’s, and don’t win, you probably need to re-evaluate your life.

In general, try to think about how and when your highest cards can win rounds and use the opportunity open up with either getting rid of the low shitty cards in your hand or playing in such a way that will set you up to win again. For example, assuming you have the 2 of Hearts, start with a single and know you can win because you possess the highest single card, unless someone has a bomb.

You can cheat by trying to peek at other people’s cards, sneaking in extra cards into your plays, pocketing cards for future games, or flat out confuse the drunk people.

Or don't do any of this because I'm trying to game your ass by getting in your head feeding you some trap strategery.

'cause ya basic ☝️